Is it Normal to Be Jealous of Your Partner’s Ex?

Have you ever been jealous of your partner’s ex? In this video, you’ll learn how to work through jealousy and hurt feelings.

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You can love and trust your partner, but when they reconnect with an ex, it can bring up jealousy or hurt feelings. In this video, you’ll learn whether it’s normal to be jealous of your partner’s ex, and what steps you can take to work through all the feelings that come up around your partner’s ex.

Is it Normal to Be Jealous of Your Partner’s Ex?

In a recent post in my Facebook group, Your Last First Date, a group member asks how to overcome her jealousy with an ex: 

“My live-in boyfriend has an ex-girlfriend who will not totally go away. She still texts or calls him every so often, and she has even asked him to hang out. 

My boyfriend told her he’s in a serious committed relationship and getting together is not appropriate. She still holds a flame for him, and we both know it. I trust my boyfriend 100% and he’s very respectful of me and our relationship. He has reassured me he has no interest in her at all. 

He wants to stay acquainted with her because she helped him through one of the most difficult times of his life. But, I just want her to go away.

Every time he tells me she texted, it bugs me. Why can’t I shake this?”

One of the reasons it’s hard to shake that jealous feeling, is even if your ex has told you he’s in love with you and has no feelings for his ex, you might wonder about the love they shared in the past. That’s perfectly normal. However, when you begin to obsess over these jealous thoughts, they could result in problems with your relationship.

I have identified two types of jealousy; rational and irrational. Let’s discuss the difference.

Irrational:

1. Where does your jealousy stem from. When’s the first time you felt this way? Is it due to your upbringing and/or dating history? Those feelings of abandonment are hardwired from our past, and it’s important to distinguish between what you’re feeling now, and what you felt when you were younger. Your past will unconsciously keep sabotaging the present until you do some deeper work to identify and tame your emotional triggers. This is how you can differentiate between something that happened then and something that’s happening…or not happening…now.

2. How did your relationship begin? Was he in another relationship when you first met? Did he leave that relationship for you? If you started your relationship with someone else in the picture, there can be an unconscious fear that your partner will leave you for another woman.

3. Are you getting the feeling that he’s emotionally involved with an ex? That may be true, but it also might be your own insecurity that makes you think there might still be romantic feelings. Not all contact with an ex is a warning sign that there’s a betrayal. Have a conversation with him and learn more.

Rational:

4. You’ve seen signs that he’s pulling away and spending a lot of time with an ex or another woman. This is cause for concern, and a conversation is in order to determine the truth.

Whatever the cause of your jealousy, have a conversation with your partner. Approach him with an open mind and curiosity. Make sure you’re calm and centered before you begin.

Start with your positive intention. Tell him you love and trust him. Then state how you feel about the relationship he has with his ex, and why you feel that way. Ask him what’s in it for him. Based on his response, you can decide your next steps. Maybe you want to make a request that he end things with her, because he told you she’s still into him, and he’s afraid to say no. Perhaps he needs your support in knowing how to set a clear boundary. 

Or, maybe their relationship is no concern to you, because they have both moved on to other relationships, and they are just keeping up as old friends. 

Whatever the reason for your jealousy, process it, make sure you understand where it’s coming from, and have a plan of action that you both agree on. Most of the time, jealousy over an ex can be overcome, and you will deepen the relationship after having a vulnerable conversation.

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