Is He Giving You Mixed Messages?

October 01, 2022

Have you ever dated someone who gave you mixed messages? They blew hot and cold? Watch this video to learn what to do!

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My client, ‘Ann’, came to me after dating a man for nine months who gave her mixed messages. She was going through a devastating breakup, and she was depressed, unable to eat much, and crying every day. Here’s their story, a cautionary tale of what to do when someone gives you mixed messages.

He was giving her mixed messages from the start…

This guy had become her best friend. She was falling for him, but he told her from the beginning that he couldn’t commit to being in a relationship. He was too hurt in the past, and she said she was, too, so she thought this arrangement would work just fine for her. They began sleeping together without discussing commitment again. She didn’t want to nag him, and she was happy…but she’d have moments of confusion. He acted like he loved her, but he didn’t want to commit to her. After nine months in this “situationship”, she moved three hours away for work.

Before she departed, he held her for a long time. He told her he’d miss her. He texted her a lot in the days following her move. She interpreted that as caring enough to want a future with her.

She finally texted him to ask him what he wanted, and he texted back that while he really cared for her, he saw no way they could make this work. That was it. He ended it over text.

She said he was insensitive to break up over text. (But, she didn’t take responsibility for being the one to initiate the text and not get on a phone call). She wondered, “How could he care so much and not want a relationship with me?”

She felt rejected, even though her logical brain knew it wasn’t personal, because he said couldn’t commit to ANYONE.

The reason I’m sharing this, is because I know it will resonate for many of you. You’ve felt this level of devastation from a man who gave you mixed messages. He was hot and cold. You hoped he would commit to you. And when he left, you felt rejected, confused, and hurt.

The hard truth about mixed messages

Ann has a pattern of being attracted to men who are wounded, men who have been hurt in the past, so they don’t want to get hurt again by being all in. (Does this sound familiar?) She protects herself by saying she’s cool with a lack of commitment, because she’s not even sure that’s what she wants, even though she really does.

What were some of her dating mistakes?

She left it up to him to choose her, instead of knowing and asserting what SHE needed in the relationship.
She diminished her need for an exclusive relationship, and didn’t walk away when he couldn’t commit to the relationship after several months.
She saw his messages as confusing, instead of realizing that a lack of clarity IS A CLEAR MESSAGE. Someone who blows hot and cold is not confusing — it’s a sign of inconsistency, which is a big red flag.
She didn’t realize that one deal breaker made all of his good qualities null and void.

Ann was ready to finally step fully into changing her dating patterns. In our coaching sessions, she was able to define her must-haves in a relationship. She learned how to speak up — from the beginning of a relationship — about what she needs in order to make a relationship work for her.

She no longer stays in relationships where she feels anxious because a man is giving her mixed messages. She walks away before becoming emotionally invested, and that protects her from the devastation and heartbreak she used to experience.

As you can see, there is a clear path to attracting a healthy relationship. When you do the inner work to clarify what YOU need and desire and remove the blocks you might have that are guarding you from being fully authentic and vulnerable, you will attract someone who values and respects you.

If you’re ready to explore how coaching with me can transform your love life, let’s talk. Fill out an application for a complimentary breakthrough session at https://lastfirstdate.com/application, and let me help you go on your last first date.