Why You Keep Choosing Unavailable Partners (and How to Stop)

unavailable partners


Tired of attracting unavailable partners? Learn 5 powerful steps to recognize old patterns, heal, and open up to the love you deserve.

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Have you ever wondered why you keep ending up with unavailable partners—people who can’t or won’t meet you where you are? It’s frustrating, even heartbreaking, when you know what you want, but keep choosing what doesn’t serve you.

Please don’t blame yourself. We don’t consciously choose pain. We choose familiarity.

As nervous system expert Sarah Baldwin says, “Your system likely doesn’t yet know the things you’re wanting are safe to have.” That’s why even when your rational mind longs for a healthy, present, loving partner, your body and subconscious may still be magnetized to chaos, criticism, or abandonment—because that’s what feels most familiar.

You can break this cycle. It begins with awareness, compassion, and a willingness to rewrite the old story. I’m sharing five steps to help you stop dating unavailable partners and open yourself up to the love you deserve.

How to Stop Choosing Unavailable Partners

1. Identify Your Familiar Patterns

Start by listing a few relationship dynamics that feel unhealthy or dysfunctional. Maybe it’s chasing someone who won’t commit, over-giving while receiving little in return, or tolerating inconsistency. Keep it simple—just three is enough to begin. Naming the pattern shines a light on it.

2. Trace the Origin Story

Ask yourself: Where did I first learn this? Was it modeled in my family? Said to me directly? Something I absorbed through culture, religion, or old wounds? Seeing the roots of your patterns helps you realize: this isn’t your fault—it’s your conditioning.

3. Sit With the Feelings

When you recognize a pattern, pause. Notice what emotions come up—grief, anger, sadness, fear. Instead of rushing past them, let them have space. Breathe. These feelings are evidence of your humanity, not weakness.

4. Reframe the Familiar

Use prompts to dig deeper and challenge what feels “normal.” For example:

  • This familiarity is comfortable because ________.
  • What I dislike about it is ________.
  • If I could replace the familiar pattern with something healing, it would be ________.
  • Believing I deserve that is ________.

This practice helps you separate the old story from the future you want to write.

5. Create Space for the New

Every time you release something familiar, you make space for something different. You might commit to one small shift—like setting a boundary, saying no sooner, or choosing not to continue seeing someone who can’t show up. Hold yourself accountable with compassion. As you do, your system learns that safety, reciprocity, and real connection are possible.

Dating unavailable partners isn’t a sign you’re broken—it’s a sign you’ve been repeating what feels familiar. With awareness and practice, you can stop confusing familiarity with love. Healing means you get to rewrite your story, break free from old cycles, and welcome the kind of partnership you truly deserve so you can finally go on your last first date.

Shoutout to therapist Vienna Pharaon for the inspiration for this article and video.

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find your person, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life



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