How People-Pleasing Is Ruining Your Relationships (and your first dates)

people-pleasing

People-pleasing is ruining your relationships…and your dates. In this episode, you’ll discover how to stop the disease to please.

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Did you know that people-pleasing can ruin your relationships and your dates? Darshana Avila is a trauma-informed somatic educator, practitioner and international speaker who helps women reconnect with the most essential aspects of themselves — their truth, their desires, and their capacity for profound pleasure and power. Her work has been featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & Goop, The Guardian, The New Yorker, and numerous leading podcasts.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • What makes her body of work, Erotic Wholeness, different from many people’s ideas about sex, intimacy and relationship coaching
  • How people-pleasing shows up in intimate relationships, including in the dating process, and why it’s so problematic
  • Some ways to unwind these patterns
  • Examples of how clients have transformed from people-pleasing in the bedroom to having authentic, satisfying sex lives
  • How to bring this topic into a conversation with your partner

EP 683: Darshana Avila – How People-Pleasing Is Ruining Your Relationships (and your first dates)

What makes your body of work, Erotic Wholeness, different from many people’s ideas about sex, intimacy and relationship coaching?

Eroticism is life force energy, not specific to sexuality. Activism, passions, all of that flows into our eroticism. Culturally, we have shame and stigma around sex. That affects our vitality. There’s a broader conversation to be had around our life energy. Google “Uses of the Erotic” to understand this approach better. The wholeness piece is that we are fundamentally whole. Our healing journey integrates those fragments.

How does people-pleasing show up in intimate relationships, including in the dating process, and why is it so problematic?

People pleasing is cultural conditioning. Especially for women who learn that our value and safety are rooted in pleasing others. If you don’t rock the boat and are pleasant, that’s the direct root to a life well-lived. This is a survival tactic. It’s how we got love as children. We grow up having this further ingrained in our dating and love lives. We want to be liked and loved, especially if we’re coming from a place of lack.

What are some ways that people can begin to unwind these patterns?

After a date, instead of asking, “Do they like me?”, ask yourself, “Do I like them?” and “Do I like me in relation to them?” Many of us don’t know what safety feels like in our bodies. The work has to begin with your body, which is incredibly wise. We have threat responses. People pleasing is fawning, which is a way humans respond to threat. When we’re connected to our bodies, we feel yes or no in our bodies. Cultivate a better relationship with your body’s signals about how you’re feeling around your dates. 

Can you share an example of how your clients have transformed from people-pleasing in the bedroom to having authentic, satisfying sex lives?

Esther was in a long term marriage with three kids, and she had many sexual challenges in her marriage. She recognized through our work that she was queer and needed a different quality of sex. As a couple, they worked together to experiment sexually. Eventually, they split, and she’s a “they” now and is deeply enamored in a new authentic relationship. She went from people pleasing and performing to finding her authentic self.

If someone listening wants to know how to bring this topic into a conversation with their partner, what would you suggest?

The first rule in sex and intimacy is to not have the conversation during sex. It’s best in a moment of neutrality. Make sure no one is hungry, angry, or tired before the conversation. You also want consent – buy in – when they’re open to the conversation. “I’d love to have a conversation about our sex life and intimacy. Are you open to that?” If someone stonehalls or gaslights you, that’s a red flag. Don’t come in with complaints. Come in with constructive suggestions. Example: You don’t love the pace of the sex. You want something softer and slower. So instead of complaining, say “I know both of us want to have a thriving physical connection. I noticed our paces seem to be off. Can we talk about how to get more aligned (or show you).” Check out Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7x2jAm3HxHM

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

It’s not a personal failing if you feel like you’re a people-pleaser and haven’t found your last first date yet. It’s a choice you get to make to unwind this. Access whatever love for yourself you can muster to get to know and love yourself more. Only you can make that choice.

Connect with Darshana

Free gift: Galgasm! is a free online community hub with a classroom full of resources, ranging from embodiment practices to masturbation guidance to masterclass recordings – skool.com/galgasm

Watch on YouTube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life



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