One Big Mistake That Ruins Relationships (and How to Fix It)

ruins relationships

What’s a mistake couples make that ruins relationships, and how can we repair it? That’s what Zach Brittle is sharing on this episode!

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What’s the one big mistake that ruins relationships and how can we fix it? Zach Brittle  is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Gottman Therapist, and Relational Life Therapist with nearly 20 years of experience. He hosts Marriage Therapy Radio and authored The Relationship Alphabet and The Marriage Therapy Journal. Zach lives in Seattle with his wife Rebecca and their two adult daughters.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • What’s NSO and how might it show up early on in dating?
  • What’s emotional neutrality, and how does it affect relationships?
  • How to recognize subtle forms of contempt early on
  • What singles can do to build connection, intimacy, and curiosity 
  • How to recognize if you’re stuck in a negative cycle with a new partner

One Big Mistake That Ruins Relationships and How to Fix It

What is Negative Sentiment Override (NSO), and how might it quietly show up in any stage of dating?

This is a term that John Gottman came up with. One of the things couples who divorce have in common is the Negative Sentiment Override. When you’re in NSO, things are harder. There’s a drive to raise your score and improve your relationship. Early in a relationship, it’s pretty rare. If you have more negative than positive, you leave. 

If the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are present and not being offset by gratitude, generosity, and affection, relationships can fail. Early on, we might call these red flags to look out for.

You say that emotional neutrality is the first step out of NSO. What do you mean by that?

Both people need to want to change the pattern that’s not working in the relationship. Learn how to identify and change the pattern. Once you realize the pattern, you can interrupt it. You have three choices when in conflict in relationships: stay neutral and take a pause, make it worse, or make it better. Emotional neutrality is really helpful when you’re flooded and need a break. Think about what you want to happen. Then choose to make the relationship better.

Contempt can quietly destroy relationships, and you say it also fuels NSO. How can someone recognize subtle forms of contempt in themselves or in others in long-term relationships or when dating?

Contempt can show up early on in a relationship as “I’m better than you”, which leaves no room for intimacy. You can’t expect things to be healthy when you’re in contempt of one another. Be on the lookout for signs from yourself and your partner. To get out of contempt, look for the best in your partner, not the worst.

Make up that your partner is amazing, and they look great, and you’re so proud of them, and they add value to your life. This increases intimacy and decreases contempt. Let your partner know you have their back and care about them.

What are some things singles or dating partners can use to build connection, intimacy, and curiosity early on?

When dating, embrace the parts of you that you’re proud of and the parts that you lack, and get curious about the other person and what they have that you don’t when you’re dating. Be the best partner instead of just looking for the best partner.

How can someone tell if they’re stuck in a negative cycle with a new partner, or if they’re just being cautious from past hurt?

Evaluate why you act a certain way. Assess whether it’s you, them, or the two of you together. If your response is outsized, evaluate why that is. Share that information with your partner when you’re dating. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Prioritize curiosity, and see if this is a relationship where you both can learn.

Connect with Zach

Watch this episode on YouTube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life



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