Why Is Forgiveness Critical to Relationship Success?

forgiveness

What is forgiveness, and why is it so important to relationship success? Find out in this episode with Leadership guru Dr. Tony Silard.

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What is the importance of forgiving yourself and past partners? My podcast guest, Tony Silard, says that many relationships fail because we don’t practice forgiveness. He’s the author of Love and Suffering, and has coached political leaders, and he has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School. 

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Why Forgiveness is critical to a successful relationship
  • How not forgiving past relationships hinders our relationships
  • How not forgiving creates a never ending cycle
  • The first step in forgiving
  • Why you must judge to forgive

Tony Silard – Why Forgiveness is Critical to Relationship Success


Why is forgiveness critical to a successful relationship?

Forgiveness is to “give for”. We all have people we need to forgive. What’s the other option? Resentment. To feel anger again and again paralyzes us. I had a physically abusive stepfather, and it took me a long time to forgive him. I had low self esteem and was resentful because of the abuse. It was paralyzing me. Anger can be internalized and manifest in unhealthy ways. Or it becomes aggression where we mistreat others. I did both. Eventually, I was able to have compassion for the parts of him that were good and let go of the anger. I was able to let the better parts of him give for the worst parts and let the positive parts come forward. It helps us heal suffering and move towards love.

What is the first step in forgiving?

In my book, I write about the Love Progression Model, which has four plateaus that culminate in love: Acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, and love. Each has an obstacle we have to overcome in order to achieve it. In order to realize acceptance, we have to overcome suffering. In order to realize forgiveness, we have to overcome resentment. In order to realize gratitude, we have to overcome judgment. In order to realize love, we have to overcome incarceration.

What I mean by that is we often judge the person who created the hardship, and try to move as far away from that person as possible. I blamed my mother for divorcing my father and marrying my abusive stepfather. I blamed her for being unstable. So, I gravitated towards stability and peace. Running towards the opposite, I thought I needed to date stable women. It wasn’t rooted in my values. So, I would get bored, and then I’d date someone wild, and that didn’t work. We replay the drama we don’t heal. We are imprisoned by our faulty thinking, hoping they rectify the past. Whatever you judge, you already are or will become. 

You mention you must judge to forgive. What do you mean by that?

Judgment comes first and then forgiveness. You’re judging someone’s actions as wrong. It can also be a power play. We can move beyond forgiveness to gratitude. If I hadn’t gone through so much suffering, I wouldn’t have healed and connected to others who have suffered. Passion means pati = to suffer. I felt powerless growing up, but now my passion is to help others feel powerful. 

Post-traumatic growth helps us learn from our trauma. It shifts our priorities, and the trauma becomes a fuel.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

If you want to meet the right person, you first have to become the right person. If you haven’t worked through past traumas, you will continue to meet the same type of person. It’s not what he drives, it’s how he drives you. It’s not what she looks like, but how she looks at you!

Watch this episode on YouTube

Connect With Tony

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