How to Love Without Losing Yourself

love without losing yourself

If you tend to give yourself completely to your partner, here are tips on how to love without losing yourself.

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How do you love without losing yourself? Tonya Lester, is the author of Push Back: Live, Love, and Work with Others Without Losing Yourself and a Brooklyn-based psychotherapist and writer known for her work with relationships and communication. Her essay “Couples Therapist, Heal Thyself” was published in the Modern Love column in The New York Times, and she has been writing the popular Staying Sane Inside Insanity blog for Psychology Today since 2020.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Why so many women have much trouble asserting themselves in their relationships
  • Why it’s sometimes good to be “difficult” in your relationship
  • How perfectionism isn’t about excellence, it’s about anxiety
  • How to tell if we should keep pushing back or if it is time to leave a relationship
  • Why it’s important to stop saying, “But I shouldn’t have to tell him!”

EP 688: Tonya Lester – How to Love Without Losing Yourself

Why do so many women have trouble asserting themselves in their relationships?

Some of it is modeled for us in our family of origin where we are taught to prioritize our partner’s wellbeing over our own. Women are considered the keeper of the relationship. In a successful relationship, it’s often because women have kept the harmony, and that’s often because women stay quiet to keep the peace. Many men often don’t realize all that women do to keep the relationship at peace.

When you encourage women to be difficult in the book, are you suggesting they start fights and/or give ultimatums?

It’s about saying hard things in a kind way. It’s not about starting a fight. Say things in a clear, concise straightforward way. “I want to say something that might be hard to hear. I want to get closer to you…” Even if you take a break, you have to circle back so resentment doesn’t build.

What are some good ways to start a conversation when feelings are hurt?

Use the framework: “I notice. I imagine. I feel. I need.” This is a good way to structure how to speak up when feelings are hurt.

How can we tell if we should keep pushing back or if it is time to leave a relationship?

Do your part of speaking up and asking for what you want. If you really wanted to make it work but you’re the only one who is doing the work, you don’t see growth and you can’t fully be yourself, then it’s probably time to go. It’s a very personal decision.

Why do you encourage your readers to stop saying, “But I shouldn’t have to tell him!”?

You aren’t known if you don’t speak up. People can’t read your mind. Maybe you didn’t say what you had to say in a way they could hear. You might need to amplify. “I’m frustrated. I won’t be happy unless this changes.”

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Have the life you want. Be willing to put pressure on the system for it to become stronger. Your needs and desires matter. If you don’t speak up, you will not get what you want. If we can start a relationship with a lot of good communication and curiosity, that’s a good sign. If they’re not asking questions about you, speak up. See what happens. That will help you see if it’s a good match or not.

Connect with Tonya Lester

Watch this episode on YouTube

https://youtu.be/8WLs5VXql1I

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life



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