The Fears that Sabotage Relationships

fears that sabotage relationships

What are the fears that sabotage relationships? Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides helps us explore why good relationships fall apart.

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What are the three key fears that sabotage relationships? That was the topic of discussion with Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides. She is a Sydney-based Clinical Psychologist, meditation teacher, and pioneer in psychedelic-assisted therapy in Australia. With nearly 30 years in mental health, she integrates clinical psychology, neuroscience, mindfulness, and psychedelic therapy to explore trauma, healing, and human connection, drawing from both professional expertise and lived experience.

In this episode, we covered:

  • The three key fears that hold us back in life and love
  • What happens in relationships when people are unaware of the fears they carry
  • How to begin to overcome our fears and have better relationships with ourselves and others

EP 716: Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides – The Fears That Sabotage Relationships

Highlights of this episode

Dr. Lukeides’ background & her core message

  • Central theme: The “Field of love” is a state of safety and fearlessness; fear = anything that pulls us out of that field.
  • Her key insight from personal experience: seeking external validation never fully heals inner wounds; self-love (unconditional acceptance of all parts of ourselves) is distinct from self-esteem (conditional, comparative).
  • Book coming out end of 2026: “No Parts Left Behind” with an emphasis on Internal Family Systems / parts work and reintegrating exiled parts.

Three core fear categories that sabotage relationships

  • Fear of weakness/vulnerability (survival/health): belief “I can’t cope” leads to avoidance of emotionally demanding growth.
  • Fear of incompetence/failure (skills/intellect): impostor syndrome, fear of criticism, avoidance of situations that risk perceived failure.
  • Fear of rejection/undesirability (social/attachment): early attachment wounds create expectations of exclusion and filter current interactions negatively.
  • All three originate from early experiences and form predictive “algorithms” that skew interpretation; healing requires re-examining our original conclusions.

Practical strategies for dating, boundaries, and relationship repair

  • Name and dialogue with our fears: anthropomorphize fears/parts. Ask what they are trying to protect you from.
  • Gentle, experimental exposure: “dance” of incremental self-disclosure (step forward, mirror, step back) rather than full neutralization of defenses.
  • Use self-compassion/parts work: bring exiled or shameful parts into a nonjudgmental “field of love.”
  • Go needs-first: articulate needs and boundaries early on in dating; sharing hurts and preferences is data, not aggression.
  • Test capacity early: small boundary checks (interrupting politely, asking for plans, noting treatment of waitstaff) reveal partner reliability.
  • Practical first-date tips: treat dating as play; use active/shared activities (museums, walks) to observe behavior; debrief post-date on curiosity, attraction, and reciprocity.
  • Stop compensating: avoid over-planning/paying/doing everything; lean back to see who can step up.

Watch on YouTube

Connect With Dr. Maria

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