When Joking In a Relationship Becomes Hurtful

Joking in a relationship can be tricky, especially when you first start dating someone. When is teasing playful and when is it hurtful?

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You’re on a first date and everything seems to be going well, until your date says something that you find hurtful. What do you do? Do you say something, even though it’s awkward? Do you stay quiet? Is this a dealbreaker? Following is a breakdown of 5 types of humor in dating and relationships, and what to do when someone’s joke hurts or offends you.

When Joking In a Relationship Becomes Hurtful

5 Types of Joking in a Relationship That Can Hurt

#1. Passive-aggressive comments. Sarcasm and passive-aggressive humor are an indirect way to express feelings. It can be very confusing and hurtful to be on the receiving end of sarcastic comments.

#2. Humor as an excuse. When someone says, “I was only joking” to cover up being wrong, their humor is an avoidance of responsibility.

#3. Mocking or making fun of others. Making fun of your partner’s shortcomings is unkind. This is a sign of bullying.

#4. Name-calling. When someone calls you anything other than your name before you know them well, their nickname can be hurtful to you, especially if you detect that they’re used sarcastically.

#5. Self-deprecation. Why do people use self deprecating humor? One reason is because you’re afraid your partner might make fun of you, so you do it first. Taking responsibility for either making improvements or practicing self-acceptance is a much healthier way to go.

What to do if the joking in a relationship is hurtful?

Separate out intent versus impact. In any romantic partnership, people will say or do something that offends the other from time to time. Our words and actions can have the impact of feeling hurtful to our partner without us having the intention of being hurtful. Making this distinction can help us make amends. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable.

When it comes to misunderstandings in relationships, it’s important to know the difference between someone’s “intent” and the “impact” their words or actions had on you.

What is Intent? Intent refers to the purpose or motivation behind a person’s actions or words. It’s what someone tries to get across through their communication.

What is Impact? Impact is the effect that those actions or words have on the other person. It’s how the other person interprets and reacts to what was said or done.

The cause of so many misunderstandings is mistaking impact for intent. Balancing intent and impact requires self-awareness, empathy, and good communication skills. Recognizing the difference between the two can help improve relationships by ensuring that your interactions are both well-meant and well-received. 

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